The road to recovery was never going to be an easy one. There were so many things that were going to crop up and make life difficult. Things I couldn’t control, things I could, things I wish I could control, and things that I wish I had no control over what so ever.
Then the break up happened, I know I’d have to have a degree of isolationism about my life. The initial idea was to cut Ruth out of my life all together. To just run away from her completely, but then I’d be breaking a promise I made to her that if she ever needed me, I would come for her. So I kept her number, kept her on MSN, and she’s still a friend on facebook.
I’m surprised at just how much control I’ve had in terms of not looking at her profile on facebook, contacting her on MSN messenger and not texting or calling her when I’ve had a drink. That really surprised me. Perhaps I really have changed as a person.
In the past, I’ve been a bloody fool when it came to breakups. I was determined for this one to be different.
There’s one foreseeable occasion where I may bump into Ruth, and that’s at one of her friends birthdays. I took out a contract to do the entertainment at her birthday, and because I’m the professional I am, I’ve decided to honour that contract. I’ll be ok, I think. I’ll just immerse myself in my work. Simple, I hope.
 The amount of people that have shown support has actually blown me away. People I haven’t seen for ages. Even ex girlfriends, even ones that broke up with me in far more dubious circumstances, have shown support.
The problem that I’ve had is that I’m so used to being the one who helps people, and listens to them, and offers support and care, that I don’t know how to take it in return. Some times, I’ve even felt awkward, not knowing what to say, or even what to do. So many people have so many conflicting suggestions for courses of action.

Talk to her.
Don’t talk to her.
Spend time in your own company.
Get back on the horse and see new people.
Hook up with a friend.
Hook up with a stranger.
Run away and discover somewhere new.
Wait, don’t look and you’ll meet someone.
Go out and look for it or it’ll never come.

So many contrasting ideas, its difficult to know exactly what I am supposed to do.

What I have been doing could be described as “Mooching around taking each day as it comes” which I’ve been handling quite effectively.

I’ve had the odd adventure here and there. A trip to derby to see some old friends, and one with three friends who I’ve dubbed as “Charlies Angels”, which at the time, made sense, as there’s three of them, and they’re brilliant. Next week, I’m going back to Derby to see a friend play at a club called “Time”. For Jimmy Gooders, this is a big deal, it’s the culmination of paying a lot of dues, and I’m really happy for him. 

So right now, that’s a look into where I am in myself. Something happened the other day where I woke up after a good nights sleep, full of life and energy, and a need to do something. I had this feeling in me urging me to make a difference in the world. But there was nothing I could think to do. It was like having a profound statement in my mouth, but I couldn’t find the words to say it, and that frustrated the hell out of me. The next day was the same, and the same with today, although I’ve wrote this, so its clear words are coming out.
Another way of looking at it is that I felt I was in a car, with the engine running in neutral, but I couldn’t even drive out of the garage.

This episode into the journal’s taken a little bit longer to write tonight, and I’m putting it down to the computer I’m using. See, my laptops hard drive has kicked the bucket. So its in for repairs. I’m currently using my parents. Writing this, listening to “The Darkness”, its been pretty good for a change.
I’m off to a pub quiz with the gang tonight, which I haven’t done for a long, long time, and tomorrow I start my 4 month secondment to the Sales Admin Support, so that’ll be something completely new for me.

Well, its about that time again. I normally finish with something profound, but tonight I’m struggling, so I’ll turn to “The Darkness” for help.

“The road is long and the lights are bright
Just 'cos you've lived here all your life doesn't make it alright
And the Golden Mile is paved with shite
Don't mind telling you I'm sick of walking up and down it every single fucking night”

Time to make a difference.