Just under a year ago…

 

1 - “New look, New life, new me. This brand new John isn't going to get used anymore. This brand new John isn't going to get hurt any more. Because that’s what happens when you let someone get close who hurts you.  You get cold and hard. I haven't got time for people who are going to use me for comfort when they need it, but vanish when  I need help. I've been through that already back in May, and let it happen again. Its my time now. No more abuse, and no more hurt.”

 

2 - “Beware of the dark man.”

 

3 - “It seems like I'm still not allowed to be happy.”

 

And now, the continuation.

 

I’ve just been looking back over the past year. I was hoping I could look back at then, and look at now and say that everything was completely different. Guess again.

Regarding the first point, I know that I’ve change a little. Indeed, I do look different, and yes, I did indeed day that I wasn’t going to get hurt anymore. I really wish I hadn’t said it quite the way I did. Let me explain.

 

I haven’t been hurt again, because I haven’t let myself get close to anyone. Whenever I’ve been in the situation where I may have been getting close, I’ve sabotaged it completely, either by accident or design.

I think in some ways I have grown a lot colder than I used to be. I’m sometimes reluctant to help people, and sometimes I can be very short and down right grim towards them. I’ve cut some people out of my life and others I’ve shown sheer contempt.

On the other side, if you get past the layer of ice, somehow, and get through the layers and layers of this disguise that I wear you tend to find the person that will still be willing to help a friend in dire need, and I’ve also started opening up to real people more. There’s a select four or five who I’ve become almost dependent on sometimes because of they’re the only ones I really trust to share my real feelings with. You know who I am, and I thank you.

 

The second point I’ve made is of “The Dark Man”. There are two possibilities of who The Dark Man is, and for reasons I won’t go into right here, right now, I’ll only mention the fact that The Dark Man may be me, and it’s already too late to beware of him. If it’s truly me, as illustrated by David Traynor, then I’ve got to work hard to find a way to fix myself.

 

The final bit I mentioned, “It seems like I'm still not allowed to be happy.” Well, some things really do never change.

 

So. Last night was the official celebration of my birthday. It was a fantastic night as far as I’m aware. I remember patches of it. Brief moments of hilarity and pure inspired genius – most of which was generated by the people around me.

 

I do feel though, like the original days of “Johnfest” (the name that my birthday parties originally took) are now over. The fact that no one wanted to turn up to the Derby one is a clear indication to that. The guys who came to the one in Congleton were fantastic and looked after me brilliantly, and for that, I’ll always be grateful.

Is far as I know, we went to a few pubs, then the local night club in town. I remember having to speed-straw a jug of some red cocktail as someone popped the coin in there… bastards. There was also a brief encounter with a woman in her early 40’s who wanted to dance with me. It’s a pitty she didn’t find me earlier, as by that point I couldn’t dance for love nor money. The night had a heroes and villains theme. I went as the Tenth Doctor, and Alan as The Master. Coral came as Lara Croft, Evo and Chloe were Freddie and Daphne from Scooby Doo, and we were also joined by Emily, Rob Cliffe, and every so often, Lloydy. All of which I know from cadets. They’re like my new family, and I’m the ultra cool uncle.

Oh yeah, Nick Caswell also dropped by for a swift pint. It was super brilliant to see him too!

 

The super thing about the whole experience though is that I woke up this morning with no hang over, seriously dodging that bullet.

Spent most of the day alone watching TV and trying to remember the night before, but guess my surprise when I got home, looked on the news like I do every day, and see this;

 

(Click picture to view the article)

Happy birthday to me. The madness has only just begun…