I’m still lonely, however, and right now I have no idea if or when that will change. And although its getting me down, and people are noticing a bit, I’m trying my best to get on with it. So I’ll go on wearing my mask, drawing my pictures and playing the music.

There’s still so much out there I need to do and see, and I know it wont be my time until that’s done, so I’ll keep going on my journey, meeting new people and renewing friendships with people I already know.

Four Months Later

Stacey

Just before Christmas I met someone in a pub, same old story, really. We went on a date, and it should have been brilliant.

On paper, Stacey was everything that I wanted to find in someone. Then came the night of the cadets annual “Dining in Night” and something happened that shouldn’t have.

To this day, I still can’t explain it, and I’m not sure I ever will. After being carried into town by my colleague, Conrad, and singing on the karaoke, I went to meet Stacey.

When I got there, something freaked me out, and I ran for it. I have only patches of memory from it. I made a very stealthy escape, and then went on a several mile walk around Biddulph, heading in a huge circle back to Stacey’s home.

Upon getting there, we had an argument which lasted until the early hours.

At one point she asked me is I wanted her to have feelings for me. I should have answered by saying yes. The answer I was going for was “Not as much as you do”.

What actually came out was “No”. Things weren’t quite the same after that. Three weeks after, I ended it. It was hard. I kept finding excuses not to do it, or things would come up. In the end though, I did it. I realise I had absolutely no feelings for her at all.

I thought I was broken.

Moorland Paranormal Investigations and GHOST.

During the past four months I’ve become involved with two different Paranormal groups. Moorland Paranormal Investigations and G.H.O.S.T. which stands for Ghost Hunters Of Stoke on Trent. Clever, that.

I know people from both teams. From “Moorland” there’s Glyn and Tim, and from G.H.O.S.T. there is Kelly. Both teams have lots to offer. I’ve been on one investigation with “Moorland” already, which I will go into more detail in during the next episode.  Needless to say, it was quite an exciting night in The Swan in Leek, and I ended up in the paper.

As I said, I’ll come to that in the near future. I don’t think I could do it much justice tonight.

There’s so much to talk about. Two trips to Hull, a place I thought I’d never see again, and the strange new developments at work.

I’ve luckily been given lots of time to write about these things, so keep checking the date at the top of the entry for the date’s I wrote these things.

There is something I want to talk about before I go for now…

Gretta

Sometimes, when my head is completely full of different things that cant be rearranged into the right compartments, or cant be worked out and a clear solution is found, I tend to find myself stood outside the church in Congleton, looking at it and asking what “they” had for me this time.

On the night of May the 13^th 2010, it had something big in store for me.

Gretta is an extraordinary  individual, who I’ve met through the church at Congleton. She is one of the most gifted people I’ve met whilst being there, and she is a fantastic human being.

Sat in the open circle, after the meditation, Joan asked us to pick someone to link in to. Gretta chose me. It seems going to the church that night was something that I had to do, because the message was important. We’ll see just how important by November 2011.

Its times like these that I wish I could take my dictaphone to the readings, because a lot of it I’ve now forgot.

Something that was said is that I had a major decision to make, one that would set me on a chain of events all leading up to two things: Me leaving home, and the day that my loneliness truly ends.

I thought I knew where my timelines lead, and I’ve seen how it ends, but one interpretation of what was said leads to a very grim conclusion.

The time of this loneliness coming to an end is November 2011.

Look me up on 11/11/11 and ask me how I am.

It seems I’ve developed this trend of writing to update on how life is ticking along, after months and months of not writing, getting it all out in one go as much as I can then not writing again for a long while.

 Its been over 7 months since I last sat here and wrote what’s been going on. Once again, this chapter is a catch up on what’s been occurring during my journey.

Firstly, Weddings.

Aiden and Jess got married. The day started like any other Saturday – me flapping around trying to get ready for something, and I actually ended up going to work in my suit to help out with the mass of quotes that were spewing from the printer. At quarter to 11 I left and rushed to the registrars office in Leek. When I got my composure, at the head of the aisle, myself, the groom and the best man realised we didn’t know what music needed to be played at what point.

Panicking, I left the room and bumped into the bride just as she was arriving. Jess looked amazing. So amazing I couldn’t get my words out.

The first thing I managed to say was “wow”

The wedding went without any problems. We then moved on to the first part of the reception. The meal was exquisite. I was sat at the head table and had a fairly good view of everything going on. I even made a speech, but due to nerves, forgot half of it. I’ve done countless shoes on the radio and in front of people in a live environment, but that moment completely freaked me out, a little.

Tina’s wedding was also fantastic, and an experience I will never forget.

 Months went on, and just before my birthday, I had the honour of seeing one of my best friends get married. Ruth and David got married near Ruth’s home town of Kettering in her family church.

I’d like to tell you lots about what happened after the wedding, but due to me being a lightweight, and there being a fantastic selection of drink in both the room and the bar, I was really quite drunk by just after half 7 in the evening.

Ruth, again looked fantastic, but then again, brides always do. The whole experience was amazing, and I got to spend time with some of the closest friends I made in Derby.

Debbie, Jimmy, Pat and Ruth. I wish I had more days just like that one.

The Church, the Colour and the Shape. 

Life is constant change. It has to be or it would go stale and wouldn’t be worth living if we couldn’t learn something every day. For every time I say I’m stuck in a rut, I know I’m still changing and learning something new. Life is full of lessons for us to learn.

I’m growing more confident with my ability, and people who know to look out for me and what I do are noticing.

A few months back, I ended up at the church taking part in an evening. I was one of the draws for the night.

My demonstrations revolved around me sitting the person down I was doing a reading for and drawing and adding colour to whatever was being given to me.

This night of demonstrations occurred on the same day as Tina’s wedding, actually, and although it was a fantastic experience for me, the best was yet to come...

A few days after that evening, I found on facebook, that my friend Rosanna had been to see a Tarot Reader. Tarot is the process of the reader drawing cards from a deck and giving a message that way. The readings consist of past, present and future.

I’ve found that every reading I’ve had via Tarot has been incredibly accurate and always special. They’ve often lead me to things that urgently needed attending that I ordinarily wouldn’t know about. One of my most influential teachers is a Tarot reader as the main ability she utilises.

At the moment that I saw Rosanna’s status, I got in touch with her and mentioned what I do with the colour and the shapes that I get given to me.

We arranged a night when I would come and talk to some of her friends about it and do some work with them.

The evening took me to The Moorland Inn near the centre of the city, and I think I read for 6 ladies that night.

This is where something fantastic happened.

One lady I was taking to had two children stood next to her. A boy and a girl. The girl was very faint, but the boy was really strong in his presence. I didn’t feel like he had passed over at all. In fact, it felt like he was waiting to be given life.

He was held on to her left side. Dark hair and quite strong. I told her this and she was genuinely surprised.

“I already have children” she exclaimed.

The evening went on with good results and strong messages, and because of the amount of information coming out, we had to arrange a follow up as I wasn’t going fast enough.

The readings at The Moorland happened on a Thursday. The next Tuesday, Rosanna sent me a text message. Her friend Emma, who already had children, had found out she was pregnant again. I can tell you now, several months on, it’s a boy.

News of this spread about and I have been giving readings all over the city. I’ve had to take a bit of a break, as they do completely drain me when I do them.

I’m coming to the end of this entry, I’m planning to do more, getting more of the last 7 months into each one as I go along. 

I’m growing and developing more than I could help for. I’m helping more and more people, and that makes me feel better for doing so. I’m really grateful for this chance, and every time I tell my story of how my life came to be blessed with this gift, I feel that little more appreciative.

 I’m still lonely, however, and right now I have no idea if or when that will change. And although its getting me down, and people are noticing a bit (which I really don’t like), I’m trying my best to get on with it. So I’ll go on wearing my mask, drawing my pictures and playing the music.

There’s still so much out there I need to do and see, and I know it wont be my time until that’s done, so I’ll keep going on my journey, meeting new people and renewing friendships with people I already know.

There’s still such a long way to go.

Several weeks have passed since my last entry.

Work wise, there’s not much to say, apart from the amount of work that’s now coming my way. I’ve been put in charge of answering the departments emails, and converting the buildings and contents leads from one task into an appointment. Works going up. Its keeping me busy, but I’m still relaxed. I’m sure if I was doing my regular job, I’d be getting irritated.

In terms of what’s going on with other aspects of my life, they are getting far, far more interesting.

Firstly, it now appears that 2009 will be defined as the year with the most weddings. There have been a few already amongst people I know, and there’s more to come. So far, I’ve been invited to three.

The first one being in a few weeks. Jess and Aiden, whom I mentioned in my last entry, has moved the wedding forward to the 21^st June, so that her mum can be there. I’ll be playing a part in this wedding, already been given the heads up that they want me to a reading at the ceremony, and a reading at the reception. Knowing that they have a tight budget for the whole day, I’ve said that I’d handle the disco for the reception, and I’d do it for free.

I’m really looking forward to this weekend, I know its going to be one of the happiest of the year.

The second one is happening exactly a week later, and that’s for Tina. All I know so far is that its going to be a traditional Indian wedding. That means dancing. Lots of it, as far as I’m aware.

This does come with a catch though, one of my ex girlfriends is going to be there. If that wasn’t awkward enough, her fiancée is going to be there. Grand. I’m not bitter though. I’m the one who finished it, I’m just a little nervous of what will happen next.

The third wedding is that of my 2^nd ever co-host, Ruth Acaster. Ruth, like Jess, is a very special person to me. I’ve learned lots of things from Ruth, and I’m sure I’ll continue to do so. Ruth’s another one of those “friends for life” that I’ve talked about lately. The ceremony is due to happen at Kettering, her home town, and there’s due to be a lot of the old school D:One presenters and staff present.

The very next day, my good friend Sarah is due to give birth to the child I’m going to be godfather to. This is going to be another of the most happiest weekends of 2009.

Going back to Sarah for a bit, we’ve been spending time with each other. Sarah’s in a situation at the moment which is wearing her out at a critical time. She’s pregnant, and the stress of being assaulted  by her now ex and then being constantly checked up on by social services is just stressing her out.

I’ve told her that I’ll do whatever I can for her, and she’s told me she’s extremely grateful of that. Her two other children like me too, and I’ve now became “Uncle John”, which I love. It’s getting me ready for when my sister decides to have kids.

All my friends are still happy, as far as I can tell. Alan’s found someone again, and this time, its working. He’s very happy, and that’s definitely clear. He’s less grumpy, and has a smile most of the time. This, however, makes me the only single person in our friendship group, which I’ve finally started to take measures to change.

The other week, I went on the Derby Ghost walk, which was great. It got me back in the city, and I’m seriously considering another overnight stay in a location. Its going to take a lot of planning.

The walk itself was good, set up to give a bit of the history of the city and it showed you parts of Derby that some people wouldn’t know was there. I’d recommend it, and may go on it again in the future, if only to get back into the tunnels underneath the Guildhall.

Well, this episodes coming to an end. Its actually taken 3 writing sessions to get it out, but its here. I keep promising to write more, but it’s a promise I keep failing to keep. Remember me telling you that I don’t like to talk about some things if I know it will jinx them? I purposely haven’t spoken about something this time, because its still in its early stages. Its fragile, and the outcome hasn’t let been decided. It could possibly the opening for the next episode, we’ll just have to wait and see.

Some days can be really bad. Some can be the worst ever. Some days are the bleakest ever where nothing goes right, and I wonder what I’m still doing here. 

Days like Thursday, though make everything go away. Days like today redeem though bad days and make me realise that I’m here for a reason. I’m here to embrace and I’m here to savour the little moments and the feelings, and the chances.
On Thursday, I was asked if I would be the Godfather to Sarahs baby, dependant on if the father approved. This was the last thing I was expecting and took me by surprise. It was one of the best surprised I’ve had in a long time.

I understand that this is a big, bit thing. Bigger than the small things that I’ve been focusing on, that deep down, I knew wouldn’t work.

This request that’s been made of me has woken me up from the waking coma my life has been in lately, and its made me realise that there are people out there that, I guess, really like and trust me still.

 As you can tell, I’m over the moon. Filled with happiness. Filled with excitement. When Sarah announced she was pregnant, I was excited for her, but knowing I’m going to be connected in some small way to this new life, this new person with so much potential and a bright future ahead of it has completely blown me away.

 My new lease of life. This request has also come at the definitive end of a chapter in my life.

I met Ruth as a friend, and we went to KFS for a chicken burger and sat and listened to music. Ruth used to say she loved doing that with me. We then went to a posh pub called China Gardens, as again, she used to love doing this with me. The aim of the evening was to see if I could relight the fire, even just to get a spark that used to exist between us.

It didn’t work, however, and i knew that that was it.

 
The party I had agreed to DJ at for Ruths friend Micha came and Ruth never turned up. The party, of course, was a great success, but if the meeting with Ruth was the last page turning, then the day after was the cover of the book closing. She will be going to Nottingham University and wants a new start to her life, with nothing connecting her to the past. As I’m a fairly significant part of her past now, being her first real boyfiend, then I can’t be in her new life the way I want to be. That sealed it.

Its done.   

I just want to take a few minutes to go back to my new cohost. We’re aiming to be on the air some time in October 2009 on a new radio station. I’ve known Jess for a while now as we’ve worked together for 6 months. We’ve grown as friends, and her boyfriend as even hinted that he wants me to use my ordination to marry the two of them. Jess is one of my best friends now, and I feel that me being the friend I am, I want to look after her and Aiden, her boyfriend through a difficult time.

Jess’ mum has become really ill, and I’m praying for her.
Jess knows I’m there for her, just like I always will be, because I know she’d do the same for me. She’s already helped me so much after Ruth. Being there for them is the very, very least I can do.

 
The week before meeting Ruth, I saw history almost repeat, I met a new friend, and saw two that I haven’t seen in about 8 years. It was the time of the year when the University of Derby Students’ Union elected its student representatives.

My good friend, and former housemate ran for President.
The top spot in the union. As he had been a Vice President in the past, we thought this would stand him in good stead, but the students didn’t see it this way, and he wasn’t elected. After a bit of time out, we decided to make the best of the night. And partied the hardest we could. I made a new friend, Leoni Sullivan, who dances amazingly. After the night passed, we vowed we’d meet again and do it all over.

The next day, I drove to Leeds to see two people I hadn’t seen since I was a young Corporal in the Air Corps. Chantelle and Selina. It was Selinas birthday, and after getting lost in the city, twice, and struggled to find a parking space, I found the girls and their family. (I actually arrived before Chantelle)

Leeds is an amazing place and I had a brilliant time. I was even shown some of the shadier parts of the city, but I knew I was in safe company.

 
A strange thing happened on the way home. At a service station, I got back into my car, and noticed a pain in my stomach.
I brushed it off as being a pulled muscle from dancing with Leoni, but as the days went on, the pain got worse. It turns out I had a stomach infection called H-Pylori. As far as health goes, I can’t get a break. 

I know I’ve mentioned old stories ending, and new chapters and new beginnings happening.

A good friend from my time as an Air Cadet who I’d consider a fantastic friend, came to the end of his service on Thursday. Naturally, we went out to celebrate the end of this era.

It was a super fantastic night, and I was once again sober due to antibiotics. I rediscovered Kalibur, and realised why I’d given it up in the first place. Kalibur is alcohol free beer, and it tastes foul. The Becks equivalent is much, much nicer.

Alan also started something new. One of the barmaids that works at one of our local haunts and he got together, and it looks like there will be a date.

This puts me back in the elite niche that I was so used to before; “The only single person in my close friendship group"

So, there we go. Full circle. Another chapter done, both physically and litterally.

It feels as though I’m about to start a brand new day. The new son is about to rise, and I feel that I’m going to love every minute of it.

The road to recovery was never going to be an easy one. There were so many things that were going to crop up and make life difficult. Things I couldn’t control, things I could, things I wish I could control, and things that I wish I had no control over what so ever.
Then the break up happened, I know I’d have to have a degree of isolationism about my life. The initial idea was to cut Ruth out of my life all together. To just run away from her completely, but then I’d be breaking a promise I made to her that if she ever needed me, I would come for her. So I kept her number, kept her on MSN, and she’s still a friend on facebook.
I’m surprised at just how much control I’ve had in terms of not looking at her profile on facebook, contacting her on MSN messenger and not texting or calling her when I’ve had a drink. That really surprised me. Perhaps I really have changed as a person.
In the past, I’ve been a bloody fool when it came to breakups. I was determined for this one to be different.
There’s one foreseeable occasion where I may bump into Ruth, and that’s at one of her friends birthdays. I took out a contract to do the entertainment at her birthday, and because I’m the professional I am, I’ve decided to honour that contract. I’ll be ok, I think. I’ll just immerse myself in my work. Simple, I hope.
 The amount of people that have shown support has actually blown me away. People I haven’t seen for ages. Even ex girlfriends, even ones that broke up with me in far more dubious circumstances, have shown support.
The problem that I’ve had is that I’m so used to being the one who helps people, and listens to them, and offers support and care, that I don’t know how to take it in return. Some times, I’ve even felt awkward, not knowing what to say, or even what to do. So many people have so many conflicting suggestions for courses of action.

Talk to her.
Don’t talk to her.
Spend time in your own company.
Get back on the horse and see new people.
Hook up with a friend.
Hook up with a stranger.
Run away and discover somewhere new.
Wait, don’t look and you’ll meet someone.
Go out and look for it or it’ll never come.

So many contrasting ideas, its difficult to know exactly what I am supposed to do.

What I have been doing could be described as “Mooching around taking each day as it comes” which I’ve been handling quite effectively.

I’ve had the odd adventure here and there. A trip to derby to see some old friends, and one with three friends who I’ve dubbed as “Charlies Angels”, which at the time, made sense, as there’s three of them, and they’re brilliant. Next week, I’m going back to Derby to see a friend play at a club called “Time”. For Jimmy Gooders, this is a big deal, it’s the culmination of paying a lot of dues, and I’m really happy for him. 

So right now, that’s a look into where I am in myself. Something happened the other day where I woke up after a good nights sleep, full of life and energy, and a need to do something. I had this feeling in me urging me to make a difference in the world. But there was nothing I could think to do. It was like having a profound statement in my mouth, but I couldn’t find the words to say it, and that frustrated the hell out of me. The next day was the same, and the same with today, although I’ve wrote this, so its clear words are coming out.
Another way of looking at it is that I felt I was in a car, with the engine running in neutral, but I couldn’t even drive out of the garage.

This episode into the journal’s taken a little bit longer to write tonight, and I’m putting it down to the computer I’m using. See, my laptops hard drive has kicked the bucket. So its in for repairs. I’m currently using my parents. Writing this, listening to “The Darkness”, its been pretty good for a change.
I’m off to a pub quiz with the gang tonight, which I haven’t done for a long, long time, and tomorrow I start my 4 month secondment to the Sales Admin Support, so that’ll be something completely new for me.

Well, its about that time again. I normally finish with something profound, but tonight I’m struggling, so I’ll turn to “The Darkness” for help.

“The road is long and the lights are bright
Just 'cos you've lived here all your life doesn't make it alright
And the Golden Mile is paved with shite
Don't mind telling you I'm sick of walking up and down it every single fucking night”

Time to make a difference.

 If you’ve been reading this story since day one, you’ll have known that it has been a very lonely, sometimes heartbreaking journey. I’ve been searching for that special person to come into my life and show me what a life of happiness could be like, and for a very long time, this special person was nowhere to be found.

For such a long time I felt like I wouldn’t find her, and then, all of a sudden there was a bright ray of hope in my life.

Her name, as I was to find out, was Ruth, and things were great.

I wanted to show her so many things and share so many experiences with her. She would teach me so many things, and in a way, she’s made me better.

Being a college student, she’s been getting ready to go to university, and its something I was getting myself ready for too.

After a very lengthy goodbye one night, Ruth mentioned that it would be great if we lived together, so plans were made for if she got into a certain institution, that she would spend a first year in halls, and then we’d move in together some time in 2010, and it would be a beginning of maybe a life together.

 Christmas and New Years went well, and every moment I spent with her was full of wonder. Every time we had to say goodbye or goodnight was hard, made up only by the next time we said hello.

And for a time, things were great.

When I write these things, I normally have a structure that I work to, and its linear, and makes sense. Right now, I’m trying to figure out the last three months, and figure out what goes where. I believe the next thing I have to write about is Hack Green.

 Hack Green is in the middle of Cheshire. Its a decommissioned Nuclear Bunker near Nantwich. We were there for a reason other than what it was intended for. Myself, two of my cadets and one of their friends arrived to meet a group of people we didn’t know. One of which I’d spoken to only a few times.

 I was there because I was interested to see if I could contact any of the Spirits that may have been there, and there were.
In total, there was Amy, a WRAF operator who was near the main vent system.
Two servicemen were in the room where they keep the ejector seats. In the office area, there was an RAF officer from WW2.
In the storage area, I found another officer and his number 2.
The strange thing about the store room, was when I got charged by something that looked like a dark shadow. Later on the room stank of sulphur. Those of you who know what this means will understand why I didn’t want to go back.

Something lasting that came out of the trip to Hack Green was a relationship for one of my cadets, Emily. But we’ll come back to that in a minute.

Also in here somewhere was the dining in night for the Air Cadets. The night was amazing. I missed all the pomp and grandure of it all. I got an absolute soaking in alcohol that night, thanks to a Navy officer banging on the table, but it was brilliant. There’ll be a picture around somewhere I suspect.
There was only one minor hiccup, when one of the cadets boyfriends got drunk at the beginning of the night and showed himself and the cadet up something rotten. He was told to calm down by the bosses father, but instead of calm down, he stormed off like a petulant child.
Speaking of the boss, she got promoted on the spot to Flight Lieutenant, which is brilliant!

 So, a good couple of months for me, but my story has never been easy. The hardest things for me to write about are the happy times. The times when I’m happy are the hardest because I don’t want to tempt fate.
I’d hate it to all come crashing down around me, so that’s why there’s a massive gap between season three and four. I was happy, and didn’t want it to end.
Like all good things though, it ended. Ruth decided that she didn't like me the way she thought she did, and didn’t know how to get the feelings back. It was a new kind of pain, because I couldn’t get a clear reason for why it ended. What I thought the feelings I had were going to develop into, I'll never know, but they stayed inside, but trapped in a deep dark hole. With other relationships, the love turned to hate, but not this time. The odd feelings I had, stayed. Trapped, and unable to be expressed. I lost the person I thought I had a good chance with, and slipped into what I would generally call a depression, which at the moment of writing, I’m still in.

I’m trying to control it though, so less people are noticing, but my friends have been fantastic. Alan, Emma, Alex and Chloe, Jessica and Gemma from work, and the old Radio Gang from Derby.
I even went out one night with the guys from Biddulph.

Through all the people that need a special mention though, is Sarah Franklin.
I’ve never met Sarah in person. We’ve only ever spoken on facebook, yet I feel like I can tell her anything, and often have. She’s invited me to her engagement party, which I’ll be happily attending and she told me the brilliant news that she and her fiancé are expecting their first child. Which is brilliant.
It’ll be good to meet her, finally. The start of a new era. Feel like I have a friend for life in Sarah. It’s a similar feeling I had with Debbie Greenwood and Ruth Acaster, both my old co-hosts from the radio.

I thought it was time to come back to the story as a friend I used to know from college read the other three seasons and left this comment;
“I’ve just finished reading and I am mightily impressed.
Seems you’ve conquered it all and come through the other side, I feel like you have lived the life of a 50yr old and not 25?
But I seriously think this is a good thing as you seem wiser and more knowledgeable, I don’t think your having a mid life crisis, your just finding out more about yourself...  Read more and again that always a good thing, your a different guy to the college days and I like you more now than I did then (you were a bit of prat).
But John I am gutted there’s not more?? It’s like a book that has had the last few pages torn out??
Its left me intrigued and wanting to no more?? So write again!!! Please god-damn it, and on a closing note: YOU'RE FAB xoxo”

 Holly Tudor, that note you left me gave me the strength to write this first chapter, so thank you so much.
It seems like I’m back on the journey alone again for the time being.  

I wonder what’s coming for me this time?

Ok, So the 4^th season is taking a little harder to start than I previously thought. Its getting the energy to churn out the original content to the appropriate degree that I want to, to a point where I’m happy with it.

Its by a stroke fate that one of these “25 things you didn’t know about me” things popped up on facebook. I thought I’d give it a go. It’d also serve as a recap going into the 4^th season.
I'm classing it as Season 4 Episode 0, not a proper episode, ust something to whet your appetite.

1. Its been just over 6 years since the accident, which still bothers me at times. Specially with the flash-backs. Great things happened because of it though, so I’m grateful for that.

2. I’m still driving “Frank the Tank”, my tonic blue Ford KA. Although to be honest, I’ve being eying up the new shape KA and Fiesta.

3. I won the Radio Stone talent show at the 2000 Staffs Wing Field day. I sang Elevation by U2. I won a portable radio. It was shit.

4. I have a bucket of GCSE’s and their equivalents. Last estimate puts the count at 14.

5. I’ve met Chris Akabusi, and the wrestler William Regal. I’ve also met a host load of Disney characters at Disney World, but I don’t think they count.

6. I used to have a multi award winning radio show with a very special lady called Debbie Greenwood, who became one of my best friends.

7. The very next year, another of my good friends became my co host. Ruth Acaster. She’s getting married soon, bless.

8. I have a scar below my right knee due to running off a ledge. It hurt.

9. I also have a scar on my left index finger due to a sawing incident in high school.

10. Myself and a few good friends wrote a song once. Its called “The STD song” and its horrible.

11. My favourite comedian and inspirer is Ricky Gervais. I think he’s brilliant

12. I once had a massive crush on Ginger Spice, during the whole “Union Flag Dress” phase.

13. “Forest Gump” bought a tear to my eye.

14. I nearly crashed a glider once.

15. Many people don’t know who I really am. Hopefully reading this will help them.

16. I often don’t know my own strength. Apparently it comes from my heart, and not my muscles.

17. I used to be in brilliant physical condition.

18. My first girlfriend was at the age of 16.

19. My first broken heard was two weeks after that.

20. For so long at uni, no one knew my real name, and used to call me Sheriff. It stuck, and I still get called it to this day.

21. I have signature songs at Karaoke. These include “Let Me Entertain You”, “Sex Bomb” “I Touch Myself” and “It’s a Long Way to the Top”.

22. I don’t like gorey or scary films. I see enough of it already with out seing it for entertainment.

 23. I want a family, with kids and a dog.

24. I’m not alone. I have three Spirit Guides. Josef, Rebekah and Eagles Nest.

25. If I could do anything in the world right now, I’d perform a miracle.

Previously…

I just want a girl who likes me for who I am. Local, and would be just as happy watching shit TV as me as she is going out places with me. That’s all I want, but she’s elusive

…and now the continuation.

I found her.

I met Ruth at a friends night out. Its been a long, often strange story, but it finally happened.

The first night I met her, she was drunk, and I was a doctor. We didn’t speak much, in fact, we didn’t get talking until a few days after, once all the photos of the night were published on Facebook.

That wasn’t the first time I saw her though. I was scanning through a different friends pictures, and one of Ruth came up and she was beautiful. I asked who she was, and my friend wasn’t exactly forthcoming…

“That’s Ruth”

Anyway, a few days after the party, Ruth messaged me asking how I was and if I had a good time. Which I had, if you refer to the entry titled “(S3 Ep9) Honestly, It Wasnt Meant to be Sad...” you’ll see the after effects of the night.

We got talking lots, and then Ruth offered me a job. To DJ for her friends at a Christmas party. I decided Id take the assignment and do a bloody good job.

I thought, “If she’s my boss, I cant let anything develop” but the more I thought about the gig, the more I found myself thinking about her, and then the only thing I could think of was her.

I was in trouble. I could see all the warning signs. I actually liked her, and as strange as it felt, it scared me a bit.

As the weeks went on, and the more we spoke, the more I thought about her, but the more I got the feeling that Ruth just wasn’t interested in me.

I knew I had to do something drastic, and in the end, all it took was another party for me to come to the conclusion that Ruth really wasn’t interested.

In walk about, when I was dressed up in a costume that included around 50 glowsticks, I saw something I didn’t want to see.

Ruth was drunk and she was kissing a guy. I had so many things running through my head; jealousy, rage, regret, sorrow, pain, and then loneliness again.

In my eyes, the girl that I was strangely attracted to who I had only known for three weeks and who had hired me to make sure the party she was organising went without a musical hitch really didn’t like me the way I wanted her to, but that gave me the cue to move on, and get on with my lonely life.

At that point I decided to be friendly, amicable, but try to move on.

It didn’t happen that way.

You see, there was another twist of fate to occur.

In a conversation I was having with Ruth, a random question came up, but it wasn’t from me, it was from her

“Do you think I’ve lead you on?”

My answer was simple. I don’t think you lead me on, but I’ve ended up liking you anyway.

The secret, my secret was out. I basically opened up to Ruth, told her that I liked her, but if she preferred, she could forget I had said anything, but all I needed to hear was that I wasn’t what she was looking for, and she wasn’t interested, then I could move on.

The reply that Ruth gave me left me in shock, She said that she could tell me that, but wouldnt be sure it was true.
After that bombshell, we talked, and arranged for me to take her out.

The date was set. Tuesday 28^th October. I was taking her to a nice little Italian in Buxton, but something happened to my “perfect first date plans”, we ended up going on it a few days earlier and went to see “Ghost Town” at the cinema.

Then we sat talking to very early in the morning!

The Tuesday of the date, we went to the hall where the Christmas party would be, and I was hit by how comfortable and positive the place felt. It was only upon leaving I understood why. It was doubling up as a Spiritualist Church.

The actual date to Buxton was lovely, if not a little cold.

Having lived there for three years, I should have been more aware of the cold conditions, but completely forgot. It was freezing! 

There’s plenty more to the story of how the two of us got together, but I want to keep it just for me and her.

Needless to say, Everythings going brilliant, and that’s leading me on to the next bit.

Remember the picture of me, that David Traynor, the medium drew? Me as “the Dark Man”?

I went to the Church again, as I’m about to go on a vigil at Hack Green Bunker, and needed something, maybe some advice.

What I got was so much better. I met another, really developed, medium, who drew another picture of me. The lady she had introduced to Spiritualism also drew my aura.

Avril the medium, and her friend Greta.

Avril knows Barbara, the medium who introduced me to this world, and she taught me a few things that’ll definitely come in useful in the future.

 

(L- Avril's. R-Greta's.)

As you can see, the pictures have some similarities.

Something else that came up, that has come up a few times in the past. It seems the spirits are getting me ready for something important...

They just haven’t told me what it is yet.

Its true, that today, of all days, I am in a grim mood.

Its grimmer than normal and for many a reason. I’ve been keeping a secret from most of the people around me, and more so from the person it actually concerns, although after the chat we’ve just had, I think they’re more than likely under the impression something may be wrong because of the questions they were asking.

Firstly, though, I want to address something that this journal had regarding a post I made a little bit ago. Feedback.

Katie Sutton wrote a little bit regarding that if she’d been in Derby, she’d have come to meet me at the event I eventually cancelled. Then there was the piece of feedback that I got from my close friend Debbie, which I decided to print as a whole journal entry in its own right.

Finally, there’s the feedback that none of you saw. Nice little piece of feedback, done in a way that there was no way I could defend myself. No way I could explain what was actually going on. Done in the way that I had no direct way to respond to day “Read it again, and remember to pull your head out of your arse before you fly off the handle once more”  

Oh yes, this may be petty, and it may seem little of me, but to be honest, if you want to spout off at me on MSN and then not give me a chance to reply before you block me, then I’m going to be forced to use other methods to get my personal little message across. (I’m not going to name names here, because as much as a douche bag I may seem, I’m not that bad)

“do you set out to piss me off with your lj posts or something. you really are unbelieveable. i didnt use you, so you can stop posting shit like that on lj”

Ok. Now, let me clue you in on something here, because I think I know what’s happened here… you read the bit in red, under where it said “just under a year ago” and actually thought it meant something completely different. What you thought “just under a year ago” meant, only you can answer.

What I’m going to do now, is put what I wrote for this time last year, and I’ll write it in red, (like I do with all past events) to help you set it apart
.

“New look, New life, new me. This brand new John isn't going to get used anymore. This brand new John isn't going to get hurt any more. Because that’s what happens when you let someone get close who hurts you.  You get cold and hard. I haven't got time for people who are going to use me for comfort when they need it, but vanish when  I need help. I've been through that already back in May, and let it happen again. Its my time now. No more abuse, and no more hurt.”

Ok, so that was October 2007. Feel free to see the original post by going to this link

Now I’m going to put what I then wrote after that, regarding now, at this moment in my life. Just to avoid confusion, I’ll do it in another colour.

“I’ve just been looking back over the past year. I was hoping I could look back at then, and look at now and say that everything was completely different. Guess again.

Regarding the first point, I know that I’ve changed a little. Indeed, I do look different, and yes, I did indeed say that I wasn’t going to get hurt anymore. I really wish I hadn’t said it quite the way I did. Let me explain.

 I haven’t been hurt again, because I haven’t let myself get close to anyone. Whenever I’ve been in the situation where I may have been getting close, I’ve sabotaged it completely, either by accident or design.

I think in some ways I have grown a lot colder than I used to be. I’m sometimes reluctant to help people, and sometimes I can be very short and down right grim towards them. I’ve cut some people out of my life and others I’ve shown sheer contempt.

On the other side, if you get past the layer of ice, somehow, and get through the layers and layers of this disguise that I wear you tend to find the person that will still be willing to help a friend in dire need, and I’ve also started opening up to real people more. There’s a select four or five who I’ve become almost dependent on sometimes because of they’re the only ones I really trust to share my real feelings with. You know who I am, and I thank you.”

Now, forgive me if I’m wrong, but where does it say anywhere on there that I felt like I’d been used?  It says, pretty much that I haven’t let anyone else get close enough to hurt me, and in turn, I’ve ended up hurting myself. Nowhere does it say that I felt used again, because I haven’t let anyone get close enough to me to use me.
 

 “do you set out to piss me off with your lj posts or something. you really are unbelieveable. i didnt use you, so you can stop posting shit like that on lj”

Your comments were unjust, uncalled for and unfair. To make them, and then to block me and not give me a chance to defend myself shows to me just how bitter, and possibly twisted you are.

No, I didn’t set off on another Live Journal adventure with you specifically in mind, and to be completely honest, you haven’t crossed my mind since the last time I told you not to talk to me like a piece of trash. I wrote what I wrote as I wanted to do a comparison piece on last year and this year. This whole entry so far has been about you, because I’ve been sat here wound up for just under a week thinking maybe, just maybe, you’d actually come back and say “yeah, I’m sorry, I was a bit out of order, and yes, I’m aware I should of actually read what you wrote before spouting off a lot of crossed wired bullshit and thus putting myself up in there in your collection of people who excel in douchebaggery”, but guess what, it didn’t happen. I’ve given you enough time, and that clocks just stopped ticking. Times up, and bam this is what you get.

Someone else did this to me once before and got the same treatment. Remember?! This was because of what happened with me and you, but she had the decency to say sorry after printing something and not giving me a chance to explain.

In future, don’t assume something that hasn’t even been written in the first place anyway, is about you. After your last rant, I pushed you right out of my head, why the hell on the day before my 25^th birthday, would I begin to get the wrong kind of sentimental and write about something that clearly hasn’t happened? If I felt like I’d been used, don’t you think it would have ended up in here with all the other misdemeanours that have happened over the past few years?

Honey, you’ve just been served.

Other news.

Debbie, there’s a good chance you were reading this, as you’ve told me you have subscribed to some sort of service Google has that tells you when I post an entry, well, I hope you’ve enjoyed it so far. You told me in your email that you wanted to see a more positive entry. Although its been by no means positive, its been more of a return to “old skool” me, like I said I was going to return to a few entries ago. I hope its been a refreshing change for you, as it has me. After writing that two page response, I feel pretty damn good, its taken a lot off my chest. I had a fantastic birthday, even hosting a quiz which was brilliant, but that one thing that happened the night before sullied it. This was my closure!

The 25^th of October is coming very close. I’ve decided to take some more positive steps in my life to restart another golden age in my life. I’m going to get happy or die trying. This started last night where I put myself in a position to get hurt now before everything gets out of hand and I get into a position where I’m miserable for another 18 months. As twisted as it sounds, I have definitely taken the right step with that choice, I already feel brilliant about it.

On the 25^th of October, everything changes. Including myself.

Monday, October 13th 2008 - 18:23

Hey you

Happy Birthday and all that jazz..........Hope you got loads of cool shit!!

I have just ready your latest entry into Sheriffs Journey (I have subscribed so get updates on my iGoogle whenever a new one pops up) Can I just ask why you write it?

Please dont misunderstand me or read into my intentions more than you should....I ask because is it a diary for you to write your thoughts and feeling or is it a means to let people know whats happening in your life? I ask because I was a little upset by your thoughts on the Derby gang not coming to your birthday. Please remember that it is not a reflection on you nor do they dislike you. Over the past year or so I have noticed a distinct change in my circle of friends at university and I have matured and grown away from those I had in the first year. Personally speaking I am still on friends with some of them because my activities coincides with theirs. These days I only speak really to Gooders, Ruthie and Zoe. Even then I only really talk to Zoe because I work with her now.

Remember that there are a certain few people who really do care and I would definately consider myself as one of them, even though I havent been as attentive to you as maybe I should have been. I have plenty of excuses but none of which I will bore you with because this email is about you and not me. I really would have shared this weekend with you had Bens mum not spent £200 on an expensive hotel and restaurant for Bens birthday present. I do feel guilty about not seeing you for ages and even not phoning you but please remind yourself that its not because I dont care. I really do and I love you dearly, after all where would the Sheriff and Debs Show be without the Sheriff!!!!!!!

I think its fantastic that you have some great new (and old) friends in Stoke/Congleton/Biddulph and I hope that they stick by you in the absence of either myself or Ruthie.

3 - "It seems like I'm still not allowed to be happy." As a friend, do you want my opinion on this? I think you stop yourself from being happy and you look for the negative in yourself and the positive in everybody else. Sometimes I really want to violently shake you and tell you to stop it!!!! Stop being so hard on yourself and let go!! Release whatever it is that is limiting your view on success and happiness. I know its a very old cliche but its true that things happen when you least expect them and I think if you put too much pressure on yourself then you will ultimately be disappointed. Sometimes its just great to let things run their course for a short while whilst planning your next move......If you want a career in radio then you need to keep working at it and keep badgering those stations and getting work experience (even voluntary) I know you have done some of this in the past but since working for Britannia your enthusiasm has wained..............................................bring it back to the forefront. Please do it for your own sanity.

Beware of the dark man. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a dark man...............it can add a little mystery and even be attractive...........

I only say this shit coz I care and cant wait for a more positive journal entry!!!! After all there is only one Sheriff John Green

Take care big fella and I love you dearly

Debbie