Several weeks have passed since my last entry.

Work wise, there’s not much to say, apart from the amount of work that’s now coming my way. I’ve been put in charge of answering the departments emails, and converting the buildings and contents leads from one task into an appointment. Works going up. Its keeping me busy, but I’m still relaxed. I’m sure if I was doing my regular job, I’d be getting irritated.

In terms of what’s going on with other aspects of my life, they are getting far, far more interesting.

Firstly, it now appears that 2009 will be defined as the year with the most weddings. There have been a few already amongst people I know, and there’s more to come. So far, I’ve been invited to three.

The first one being in a few weeks. Jess and Aiden, whom I mentioned in my last entry, has moved the wedding forward to the 21^st June, so that her mum can be there. I’ll be playing a part in this wedding, already been given the heads up that they want me to a reading at the ceremony, and a reading at the reception. Knowing that they have a tight budget for the whole day, I’ve said that I’d handle the disco for the reception, and I’d do it for free.

I’m really looking forward to this weekend, I know its going to be one of the happiest of the year.

The second one is happening exactly a week later, and that’s for Tina. All I know so far is that its going to be a traditional Indian wedding. That means dancing. Lots of it, as far as I’m aware.

This does come with a catch though, one of my ex girlfriends is going to be there. If that wasn’t awkward enough, her fiancée is going to be there. Grand. I’m not bitter though. I’m the one who finished it, I’m just a little nervous of what will happen next.

The third wedding is that of my 2^nd ever co-host, Ruth Acaster. Ruth, like Jess, is a very special person to me. I’ve learned lots of things from Ruth, and I’m sure I’ll continue to do so. Ruth’s another one of those “friends for life” that I’ve talked about lately. The ceremony is due to happen at Kettering, her home town, and there’s due to be a lot of the old school D:One presenters and staff present.

The very next day, my good friend Sarah is due to give birth to the child I’m going to be godfather to. This is going to be another of the most happiest weekends of 2009.

Going back to Sarah for a bit, we’ve been spending time with each other. Sarah’s in a situation at the moment which is wearing her out at a critical time. She’s pregnant, and the stress of being assaulted  by her now ex and then being constantly checked up on by social services is just stressing her out.

I’ve told her that I’ll do whatever I can for her, and she’s told me she’s extremely grateful of that. Her two other children like me too, and I’ve now became “Uncle John”, which I love. It’s getting me ready for when my sister decides to have kids.

All my friends are still happy, as far as I can tell. Alan’s found someone again, and this time, its working. He’s very happy, and that’s definitely clear. He’s less grumpy, and has a smile most of the time. This, however, makes me the only single person in our friendship group, which I’ve finally started to take measures to change.

The other week, I went on the Derby Ghost walk, which was great. It got me back in the city, and I’m seriously considering another overnight stay in a location. Its going to take a lot of planning.

The walk itself was good, set up to give a bit of the history of the city and it showed you parts of Derby that some people wouldn’t know was there. I’d recommend it, and may go on it again in the future, if only to get back into the tunnels underneath the Guildhall.

Well, this episodes coming to an end. Its actually taken 3 writing sessions to get it out, but its here. I keep promising to write more, but it’s a promise I keep failing to keep. Remember me telling you that I don’t like to talk about some things if I know it will jinx them? I purposely haven’t spoken about something this time, because its still in its early stages. Its fragile, and the outcome hasn’t let been decided. It could possibly the opening for the next episode, we’ll just have to wait and see.

Some days can be really bad. Some can be the worst ever. Some days are the bleakest ever where nothing goes right, and I wonder what I’m still doing here. 

Days like Thursday, though make everything go away. Days like today redeem though bad days and make me realise that I’m here for a reason. I’m here to embrace and I’m here to savour the little moments and the feelings, and the chances.
On Thursday, I was asked if I would be the Godfather to Sarahs baby, dependant on if the father approved. This was the last thing I was expecting and took me by surprise. It was one of the best surprised I’ve had in a long time.

I understand that this is a big, bit thing. Bigger than the small things that I’ve been focusing on, that deep down, I knew wouldn’t work.

This request that’s been made of me has woken me up from the waking coma my life has been in lately, and its made me realise that there are people out there that, I guess, really like and trust me still.

 As you can tell, I’m over the moon. Filled with happiness. Filled with excitement. When Sarah announced she was pregnant, I was excited for her, but knowing I’m going to be connected in some small way to this new life, this new person with so much potential and a bright future ahead of it has completely blown me away.

 My new lease of life. This request has also come at the definitive end of a chapter in my life.

I met Ruth as a friend, and we went to KFS for a chicken burger and sat and listened to music. Ruth used to say she loved doing that with me. We then went to a posh pub called China Gardens, as again, she used to love doing this with me. The aim of the evening was to see if I could relight the fire, even just to get a spark that used to exist between us.

It didn’t work, however, and i knew that that was it.

 
The party I had agreed to DJ at for Ruths friend Micha came and Ruth never turned up. The party, of course, was a great success, but if the meeting with Ruth was the last page turning, then the day after was the cover of the book closing. She will be going to Nottingham University and wants a new start to her life, with nothing connecting her to the past. As I’m a fairly significant part of her past now, being her first real boyfiend, then I can’t be in her new life the way I want to be. That sealed it.

Its done.   

I just want to take a few minutes to go back to my new cohost. We’re aiming to be on the air some time in October 2009 on a new radio station. I’ve known Jess for a while now as we’ve worked together for 6 months. We’ve grown as friends, and her boyfriend as even hinted that he wants me to use my ordination to marry the two of them. Jess is one of my best friends now, and I feel that me being the friend I am, I want to look after her and Aiden, her boyfriend through a difficult time.

Jess’ mum has become really ill, and I’m praying for her.
Jess knows I’m there for her, just like I always will be, because I know she’d do the same for me. She’s already helped me so much after Ruth. Being there for them is the very, very least I can do.

 
The week before meeting Ruth, I saw history almost repeat, I met a new friend, and saw two that I haven’t seen in about 8 years. It was the time of the year when the University of Derby Students’ Union elected its student representatives.

My good friend, and former housemate ran for President.
The top spot in the union. As he had been a Vice President in the past, we thought this would stand him in good stead, but the students didn’t see it this way, and he wasn’t elected. After a bit of time out, we decided to make the best of the night. And partied the hardest we could. I made a new friend, Leoni Sullivan, who dances amazingly. After the night passed, we vowed we’d meet again and do it all over.

The next day, I drove to Leeds to see two people I hadn’t seen since I was a young Corporal in the Air Corps. Chantelle and Selina. It was Selinas birthday, and after getting lost in the city, twice, and struggled to find a parking space, I found the girls and their family. (I actually arrived before Chantelle)

Leeds is an amazing place and I had a brilliant time. I was even shown some of the shadier parts of the city, but I knew I was in safe company.

 
A strange thing happened on the way home. At a service station, I got back into my car, and noticed a pain in my stomach.
I brushed it off as being a pulled muscle from dancing with Leoni, but as the days went on, the pain got worse. It turns out I had a stomach infection called H-Pylori. As far as health goes, I can’t get a break. 

I know I’ve mentioned old stories ending, and new chapters and new beginnings happening.

A good friend from my time as an Air Cadet who I’d consider a fantastic friend, came to the end of his service on Thursday. Naturally, we went out to celebrate the end of this era.

It was a super fantastic night, and I was once again sober due to antibiotics. I rediscovered Kalibur, and realised why I’d given it up in the first place. Kalibur is alcohol free beer, and it tastes foul. The Becks equivalent is much, much nicer.

Alan also started something new. One of the barmaids that works at one of our local haunts and he got together, and it looks like there will be a date.

This puts me back in the elite niche that I was so used to before; “The only single person in my close friendship group"

So, there we go. Full circle. Another chapter done, both physically and litterally.

It feels as though I’m about to start a brand new day. The new son is about to rise, and I feel that I’m going to love every minute of it.

The road to recovery was never going to be an easy one. There were so many things that were going to crop up and make life difficult. Things I couldn’t control, things I could, things I wish I could control, and things that I wish I had no control over what so ever.
Then the break up happened, I know I’d have to have a degree of isolationism about my life. The initial idea was to cut Ruth out of my life all together. To just run away from her completely, but then I’d be breaking a promise I made to her that if she ever needed me, I would come for her. So I kept her number, kept her on MSN, and she’s still a friend on facebook.
I’m surprised at just how much control I’ve had in terms of not looking at her profile on facebook, contacting her on MSN messenger and not texting or calling her when I’ve had a drink. That really surprised me. Perhaps I really have changed as a person.
In the past, I’ve been a bloody fool when it came to breakups. I was determined for this one to be different.
There’s one foreseeable occasion where I may bump into Ruth, and that’s at one of her friends birthdays. I took out a contract to do the entertainment at her birthday, and because I’m the professional I am, I’ve decided to honour that contract. I’ll be ok, I think. I’ll just immerse myself in my work. Simple, I hope.
 The amount of people that have shown support has actually blown me away. People I haven’t seen for ages. Even ex girlfriends, even ones that broke up with me in far more dubious circumstances, have shown support.
The problem that I’ve had is that I’m so used to being the one who helps people, and listens to them, and offers support and care, that I don’t know how to take it in return. Some times, I’ve even felt awkward, not knowing what to say, or even what to do. So many people have so many conflicting suggestions for courses of action.

Talk to her.
Don’t talk to her.
Spend time in your own company.
Get back on the horse and see new people.
Hook up with a friend.
Hook up with a stranger.
Run away and discover somewhere new.
Wait, don’t look and you’ll meet someone.
Go out and look for it or it’ll never come.

So many contrasting ideas, its difficult to know exactly what I am supposed to do.

What I have been doing could be described as “Mooching around taking each day as it comes” which I’ve been handling quite effectively.

I’ve had the odd adventure here and there. A trip to derby to see some old friends, and one with three friends who I’ve dubbed as “Charlies Angels”, which at the time, made sense, as there’s three of them, and they’re brilliant. Next week, I’m going back to Derby to see a friend play at a club called “Time”. For Jimmy Gooders, this is a big deal, it’s the culmination of paying a lot of dues, and I’m really happy for him. 

So right now, that’s a look into where I am in myself. Something happened the other day where I woke up after a good nights sleep, full of life and energy, and a need to do something. I had this feeling in me urging me to make a difference in the world. But there was nothing I could think to do. It was like having a profound statement in my mouth, but I couldn’t find the words to say it, and that frustrated the hell out of me. The next day was the same, and the same with today, although I’ve wrote this, so its clear words are coming out.
Another way of looking at it is that I felt I was in a car, with the engine running in neutral, but I couldn’t even drive out of the garage.

This episode into the journal’s taken a little bit longer to write tonight, and I’m putting it down to the computer I’m using. See, my laptops hard drive has kicked the bucket. So its in for repairs. I’m currently using my parents. Writing this, listening to “The Darkness”, its been pretty good for a change.
I’m off to a pub quiz with the gang tonight, which I haven’t done for a long, long time, and tomorrow I start my 4 month secondment to the Sales Admin Support, so that’ll be something completely new for me.

Well, its about that time again. I normally finish with something profound, but tonight I’m struggling, so I’ll turn to “The Darkness” for help.

“The road is long and the lights are bright
Just 'cos you've lived here all your life doesn't make it alright
And the Golden Mile is paved with shite
Don't mind telling you I'm sick of walking up and down it every single fucking night”

Time to make a difference.

 If you’ve been reading this story since day one, you’ll have known that it has been a very lonely, sometimes heartbreaking journey. I’ve been searching for that special person to come into my life and show me what a life of happiness could be like, and for a very long time, this special person was nowhere to be found.

For such a long time I felt like I wouldn’t find her, and then, all of a sudden there was a bright ray of hope in my life.

Her name, as I was to find out, was Ruth, and things were great.

I wanted to show her so many things and share so many experiences with her. She would teach me so many things, and in a way, she’s made me better.

Being a college student, she’s been getting ready to go to university, and its something I was getting myself ready for too.

After a very lengthy goodbye one night, Ruth mentioned that it would be great if we lived together, so plans were made for if she got into a certain institution, that she would spend a first year in halls, and then we’d move in together some time in 2010, and it would be the beginning of our happily ever after.

 Christmas and New Years were brilliant I was deeply in love, and every moment I spent with her was so special, full of magic and wonder. Every time we had to say goodbye or goodnight was agony, made up only by the next time we said hello.

And for a time, things were great.

When I write these things, I normally have a structure that I work to, and its linear, and makes sense. Right now, I’m trying to figure out the last three months, and figure out what goes where. I believe the next thing I have to write about is Hack Green.

 Hack Green is in the middle of Cheshire. Its a decommissioned Nuclear Bunker near Nantwich. We were there for a reason other than what it was intended for. Myself, two of my cadets and one of their friends arrived to meet a group of people we didn’t know. One of which I’d spoken to only a few times.

 I was there because I was interested to see if I could contact any of the Spirits that may have been there, and there were.
In total, there was Amy, a WRAF operator who was near the main vent system.
Two servicemen were in the room where they keep the ejector seats. In the office area, there was an RAF officer from WW2.
In the storage area, I found another officer and his number 2.
The strange thing about the store room, was when I got charged by something that looked like a dark shadow. Later on the room stank of sulphur. Those of you who know what this means will understand why I didn’t want to go back.

Something lasting that came out of the trip to Hack Green was a relationship for one of my cadets, Emily. But we’ll come back to that in a minute.

Also in here somewhere was the dining in night for the Air Cadets. The night was amazing. I missed all the pomp and grandure of it all. I got an absolute soaking in alcohol that night, thanks to a Navy officer banging on the table, but it was brilliant. There’ll be a picture around somewhere I suspect.
There was only one minor hiccup, when one of the cadets boyfriends got drunk at the beginning of the night and showed himself and the cadet up something rotten. He was told to calm down by the bosses father, but instead of calm down, he stormed off like a petulant child.
Speaking of the boss, she got promoted on the spot to Flight Lieutenant, which is brilliant!

 So, a good couple of months for me, but my story has never been easy. The hardest things for me to write about are the happy times. The times when I’m happy are the hardest because I don’t want to tempt fate.
I’d hate it to all come crashing down around me, so that’s why there’s a massive gap between season three and four. I was happy, and didn’t want it to end.
Like all good things though, it ended. Ruth fell out of love with me, and didn’t know how to get the feelings back. It was a new kind of pain, because I couldn’t get a clear reason for why it ended. All the love I had for her stayed inside, but trapped in a deep dark hole. With other relationships, the love turned to hate, but not this time. It stayed as true love. Trapped, and unable to be expressed. I lost the person I thought I was supposed to have my happily ever after with, and slipped into what I would generally call a depression, which at the moment of writing, I’m still in.

I’m trying to control it though, so less people are noticing, but my friends have been fantastic. Alan, Emma, Alex and Chloe, Jessica and Gemma from work, and the old Radio Gang from Derby.
I even went out one night with the guys from Biddulph.

Through all the people that need a special mention though, is Sarah Franklin.
I’ve never met Sarah in person. We’ve only ever spoken on facebook, yet I feel like I can tell her anything, and often have. She’s invited me to her engagement party, which I’ll be happily attending and she told me the brilliant news that she and her fiancé are expecting their first child. Which is brilliant.
It’ll be good to meet her, finally. The start of a new era. Feel like I have a friend for life in Sarah. It’s a similar feeling I had with Debbie Greenwood and Ruth Acaster, both my old co-hosts from the radio.

I thought it was time to come back to the story as a friend I used to know from college read the other three seasons and left this comment;
“I’ve just finished reading and I am mightily impressed.
Seems you’ve conquered it all and come through the other side, I feel like you have lived the life of a 50yr old and not 25?
But I seriously think this is a good thing as you seem wiser and more knowledgeable, I don’t think your having a mid life crisis, your just finding out more about yourself...  Read more and again that always a good thing, your a different guy to the college days and I like you more now than I did then (you were a bit of prat).
But John I am gutted there’s not more?? It’s like a book that has had the last few pages torn out??
Its left me intrigued and wanting to no more?? So write again!!! Please god-damn it, and on a closing note: YOU'RE FAB xoxo”

 Holly Tudor, that note you left me gave me the strength to write this first chapter, so thank you so much.
It seems like I’m back on the journey alone again for the time being.  

I wonder what’s coming for me this time?

Ok, So the 4^th season is taking a little harder to start than I previously thought. Its getting the energy to churn out the original content to the appropriate degree that I want to, to a point where I’m happy with it.

Its by a stroke fate that one of these “25 things you didn’t know about me” things popped up on facebook. I thought I’d give it a go. It’d also serve as a recap going into the 4^th season.
I'm classing it as Season 4 Episode 0, not a proper episode, ust something to whet your appetite.

1. Its been just over 6 years since the accident, which still bothers me at times. Specially with the flash-backs. Great things happened because of it though, so I’m grateful for that.

2. I’m still driving “Frank the Tank”, my tonic blue Ford KA. Although to be honest, I’ve being eying up the new shape KA and Fiesta.

3. I won the Radio Stone talent show at the 2000 Staffs Wing Field day. I sang Elevation by U2. I won a portable radio. It was shit.

4. I have a bucket of GCSE’s and their equivalents. Last estimate puts the count at 14.

5. I’ve met Chris Akabusi, and the wrestler William Regal. I’ve also met a host load of Disney characters at Disney World, but I don’t think they count.

6. I used to have a multi award winning radio show with a very special lady called Debbie Greenwood, who became one of my best friends.

7. The very next year, another of my good friends became my co host. Ruth Acaster. She’s getting married soon, bless.

8. I have a scar below my right knee due to running off a ledge. It hurt.

9. I also have a scar on my left index finger due to a sawing incident in high school.

10. Myself and a few good friends wrote a song once. Its called “The STD song” and its horrible.

11. My favourite comedian and inspirer is Ricky Gervais. I think he’s brilliant

12. I once had a massive crush on Ginger Spice, during the whole “Union Flag Dress” phase.

13. “Forest Gump” bought a tear to my eye.

14. I nearly crashed a glider once.

15. Many people don’t know who I really am. Hopefully reading this will help them.

16. I often don’t know my own strength. Apparently it comes from my heart, and not my muscles.

17. I used to be in brilliant physical condition.

18. My first girlfriend was at the age of 16.

19. My first broken heard was two weeks after that.

20. For so long at uni, no one knew my real name, and used to call me Sheriff. It stuck, and I still get called it to this day.

21. I have signature songs at Karaoke. These include “Let Me Entertain You”, “Sex Bomb” “I Touch Myself” and “It’s a Long Way to the Top”.

22. I don’t like gorey or scary films. I see enough of it already with out seing it for entertainment.

 23. I want a family, with kids and a dog.

24. I’m not alone. I have three Spirit Guides. Josef, Rebekah and Eagles Nest.

25. If I could do anything in the world right now, I’d perform a miracle.

Previously…

I just want a girl who likes me for who I am. Local, and would be just as happy watching shit TV as me as she is going out places with me. That’s all I want, but she’s elusive

…and now the continuation.

I found her.

I met Ruth at a friends night out. Its been a long, often strange story, but it finally happened.

The first night I met her, she was drunk, and I was a doctor. We didn’t speak much, in fact, we didn’t get talking until a few days after, once all the photos of the night were published on Facebook.

That wasn’t the first time I saw her though. I was scanning through a different friends pictures, and one of Ruth came up and she was beautiful. I asked who she was, and my friend wasn’t exactly forthcoming…

“That’s Ruth”

Anyway, a few days after the party, Ruth messaged me asking how I was and if I had a good time. Which I had, if you refer to the entry titled “(S3 Ep9) Honestly, It Wasnt Meant to be Sad...” you’ll see the after effects of the night.

We got talking lots, and then Ruth offered me a job. To DJ for her friends at a Christmas party. I decided Id take the assignment and do a bloody good job.

I thought, “If she’s my boss, I cant let anything develop” but the more I thought about the gig, the more I found myself thinking about her, and then the only thing I could think of was her.

I was in trouble. I could see all the warning signs. I actually liked her, and as strange as it felt, it scared me a bit.

As the weeks went on, and the more we spoke, the more I thought about her, but the more I got the feeling that Ruth just wasn’t interested in me.

I knew I had to do something drastic, and in the end, all it took was another party for me to come to the conclusion that Ruth really wasn’t interested.

In walk about, when I was dressed up in a costume that included around 50 glowsticks, I saw something I didn’t want to see.

Ruth was drunk and she was kissing a guy. I had so many things running through my head; jealousy, rage, regret, sorrow, pain, and then loneliness again.

In my eyes, the girl that I was strangely attracted to who I had only known for three weeks and who had hired me to make sure the party she was organising went without a musical hitch really didn’t like me the way I wanted her to, but that gave me the cue to move on, and get on with my lonely life.

At that point I decided to be friendly, amicable, but try to move on.

It didn’t happen that way.

You see, there was another twist of fate to occur.

In a conversation I was having with Ruth, a random question came up, but it wasn’t from me, it was from her

“Do you think I’ve lead you on?”

My answer was simple. I don’t think you lead me on, but I’ve ended up liking you anyway.

The secret, my secret was out. I basically opened up to Ruth, told her that I liked her, but if she preferred, she could forget I had said anything, but all I needed to hear was that I wasn’t what she was looking for, and she wasn’t interested, then I could move on.

The reply that Ruth gave me left me in shock, She said that she could tell me that, but wouldnt be sure it was true.
After that bombshell, we talked, and arranged for me to take her out.

The date was set. Tuesday 28^th October. I was taking her to a nice little Italian in Buxton, but something happened to my “perfect first date plans”, we ended up going on it a few days earlier and went to see “Ghost Town” at the cinema.

Then we sat talking to very early in the morning!

The Tuesday of the date, we went to the hall where the Christmas party would be, and I was hit by how comfortable and positive the place felt. It was only upon leaving I understood why. It was doubling up as a Spiritualist Church.

The actual date to Buxton was lovely, if not a little cold.

Having lived there for three years, I should have been more aware of the cold conditions, but completely forgot. It was freezing! 

There’s plenty more to the story of how the two of us got together, but I want to keep it just for me and her.

Needless to say, Everythings going brilliant, and that’s leading me on to the next bit.

Remember the picture of me, that David Traynor, the medium drew? Me as “the Dark Man”?

I went to the Church again, as I’m about to go on a vigil at Hack Green Bunker, and needed something, maybe some advice.

What I got was so much better. I met another, really developed, medium, who drew another picture of me. The lady she had introduced to Spiritualism also drew my aura.

Avril the medium, and her friend Greta.

Avril knows Barbara, the medium who introduced me to this world, and she taught me a few things that’ll definitely come in useful in the future.

 

(L- Avril's. R-Greta's.)

As you can see, the pictures have some similarities.

Something else that came up, that has come up a few times in the past. It seems the spirits are getting me ready for something important...

They just haven’t told me what it is yet.

Its true, that today, of all days, I am in a grim mood.

Its grimmer than normal and for many a reason. I’ve been keeping a secret from most of the people around me, and more so from the person it actually concerns, although after the chat we’ve just had, I think they’re more than likely under the impression something may be wrong because of the questions they were asking.

Firstly, though, I want to address something that this journal had regarding a post I made a little bit ago. Feedback.

Katie Sutton wrote a little bit regarding that if she’d been in Derby, she’d have come to meet me at the event I eventually cancelled. Then there was the piece of feedback that I got from my close friend Debbie, which I decided to print as a whole journal entry in its own right.

Finally, there’s the feedback that none of you saw. Nice little piece of feedback, done in a way that there was no way I could defend myself. No way I could explain what was actually going on. Done in the way that I had no direct way to respond to day “Read it again, and remember to pull your head out of your arse before you fly off the handle once more”  

Oh yes, this may be petty, and it may seem little of me, but to be honest, if you want to spout off at me on MSN and then not give me a chance to reply before you block me, then I’m going to be forced to use other methods to get my personal little message across. (I’m not going to name names here, because as much as a douche bag I may seem, I’m not that bad)

“do you set out to piss me off with your lj posts or something. you really are unbelieveable. i didnt use you, so you can stop posting shit like that on lj”

Ok. Now, let me clue you in on something here, because I think I know what’s happened here… you read the bit in red, under where it said “just under a year ago” and actually thought it meant something completely different. What you thought “just under a year ago” meant, only you can answer.

What I’m going to do now, is put what I wrote for this time last year, and I’ll write it in red, (like I do with all past events) to help you set it apart
.

“New look, New life, new me. This brand new John isn't going to get used anymore. This brand new John isn't going to get hurt any more. Because that’s what happens when you let someone get close who hurts you.  You get cold and hard. I haven't got time for people who are going to use me for comfort when they need it, but vanish when  I need help. I've been through that already back in May, and let it happen again. Its my time now. No more abuse, and no more hurt.”

Ok, so that was October 2007. Feel free to see the original post by going to this link

Now I’m going to put what I then wrote after that, regarding now, at this moment in my life. Just to avoid confusion, I’ll do it in another colour.

“I’ve just been looking back over the past year. I was hoping I could look back at then, and look at now and say that everything was completely different. Guess again.

Regarding the first point, I know that I’ve changed a little. Indeed, I do look different, and yes, I did indeed say that I wasn’t going to get hurt anymore. I really wish I hadn’t said it quite the way I did. Let me explain.

 I haven’t been hurt again, because I haven’t let myself get close to anyone. Whenever I’ve been in the situation where I may have been getting close, I’ve sabotaged it completely, either by accident or design.

I think in some ways I have grown a lot colder than I used to be. I’m sometimes reluctant to help people, and sometimes I can be very short and down right grim towards them. I’ve cut some people out of my life and others I’ve shown sheer contempt.

On the other side, if you get past the layer of ice, somehow, and get through the layers and layers of this disguise that I wear you tend to find the person that will still be willing to help a friend in dire need, and I’ve also started opening up to real people more. There’s a select four or five who I’ve become almost dependent on sometimes because of they’re the only ones I really trust to share my real feelings with. You know who I am, and I thank you.”

Now, forgive me if I’m wrong, but where does it say anywhere on there that I felt like I’d been used?  It says, pretty much that I haven’t let anyone else get close enough to hurt me, and in turn, I’ve ended up hurting myself. Nowhere does it say that I felt used again, because I haven’t let anyone get close enough to me to use me.
 

 “do you set out to piss me off with your lj posts or something. you really are unbelieveable. i didnt use you, so you can stop posting shit like that on lj”

Your comments were unjust, uncalled for and unfair. To make them, and then to block me and not give me a chance to defend myself shows to me just how bitter, and possibly twisted you are.

No, I didn’t set off on another Live Journal adventure with you specifically in mind, and to be completely honest, you haven’t crossed my mind since the last time I told you not to talk to me like a piece of trash. I wrote what I wrote as I wanted to do a comparison piece on last year and this year. This whole entry so far has been about you, because I’ve been sat here wound up for just under a week thinking maybe, just maybe, you’d actually come back and say “yeah, I’m sorry, I was a bit out of order, and yes, I’m aware I should of actually read what you wrote before spouting off a lot of crossed wired bullshit and thus putting myself up in there in your collection of people who excel in douchebaggery”, but guess what, it didn’t happen. I’ve given you enough time, and that clocks just stopped ticking. Times up, and bam this is what you get.

Someone else did this to me once before and got the same treatment. Remember?! This was because of what happened with me and you, but she had the decency to say sorry after printing something and not giving me a chance to explain.

In future, don’t assume something that hasn’t even been written in the first place anyway, is about you. After your last rant, I pushed you right out of my head, why the hell on the day before my 25^th birthday, would I begin to get the wrong kind of sentimental and write about something that clearly hasn’t happened? If I felt like I’d been used, don’t you think it would have ended up in here with all the other misdemeanours that have happened over the past few years?

Honey, you’ve just been served.

Other news.

Debbie, there’s a good chance you were reading this, as you’ve told me you have subscribed to some sort of service Google has that tells you when I post an entry, well, I hope you’ve enjoyed it so far. You told me in your email that you wanted to see a more positive entry. Although its been by no means positive, its been more of a return to “old skool” me, like I said I was going to return to a few entries ago. I hope its been a refreshing change for you, as it has me. After writing that two page response, I feel pretty damn good, its taken a lot off my chest. I had a fantastic birthday, even hosting a quiz which was brilliant, but that one thing that happened the night before sullied it. This was my closure!

The 25^th of October is coming very close. I’ve decided to take some more positive steps in my life to restart another golden age in my life. I’m going to get happy or die trying. This started last night where I put myself in a position to get hurt now before everything gets out of hand and I get into a position where I’m miserable for another 18 months. As twisted as it sounds, I have definitely taken the right step with that choice, I already feel brilliant about it.

On the 25^th of October, everything changes. Including myself.

Monday, October 13th 2008 - 18:23

Hey you

Happy Birthday and all that jazz..........Hope you got loads of cool shit!!

I have just ready your latest entry into Sheriffs Journey (I have subscribed so get updates on my iGoogle whenever a new one pops up) Can I just ask why you write it?

Please dont misunderstand me or read into my intentions more than you should....I ask because is it a diary for you to write your thoughts and feeling or is it a means to let people know whats happening in your life? I ask because I was a little upset by your thoughts on the Derby gang not coming to your birthday. Please remember that it is not a reflection on you nor do they dislike you. Over the past year or so I have noticed a distinct change in my circle of friends at university and I have matured and grown away from those I had in the first year. Personally speaking I am still on friends with some of them because my activities coincides with theirs. These days I only speak really to Gooders, Ruthie and Zoe. Even then I only really talk to Zoe because I work with her now.

Remember that there are a certain few people who really do care and I would definately consider myself as one of them, even though I havent been as attentive to you as maybe I should have been. I have plenty of excuses but none of which I will bore you with because this email is about you and not me. I really would have shared this weekend with you had Bens mum not spent £200 on an expensive hotel and restaurant for Bens birthday present. I do feel guilty about not seeing you for ages and even not phoning you but please remind yourself that its not because I dont care. I really do and I love you dearly, after all where would the Sheriff and Debs Show be without the Sheriff!!!!!!!

I think its fantastic that you have some great new (and old) friends in Stoke/Congleton/Biddulph and I hope that they stick by you in the absence of either myself or Ruthie.

3 - "It seems like I'm still not allowed to be happy." As a friend, do you want my opinion on this? I think you stop yourself from being happy and you look for the negative in yourself and the positive in everybody else. Sometimes I really want to violently shake you and tell you to stop it!!!! Stop being so hard on yourself and let go!! Release whatever it is that is limiting your view on success and happiness. I know its a very old cliche but its true that things happen when you least expect them and I think if you put too much pressure on yourself then you will ultimately be disappointed. Sometimes its just great to let things run their course for a short while whilst planning your next move......If you want a career in radio then you need to keep working at it and keep badgering those stations and getting work experience (even voluntary) I know you have done some of this in the past but since working for Britannia your enthusiasm has wained..............................................bring it back to the forefront. Please do it for your own sanity.

Beware of the dark man. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a dark man...............it can add a little mystery and even be attractive...........

I only say this shit coz I care and cant wait for a more positive journal entry!!!! After all there is only one Sheriff John Green

Take care big fella and I love you dearly

Debbie

Just under a year ago…

1 - “New look, New life, new me. This brand new John isn't going to get used anymore. This brand new John isn't going to get hurt any more. Because that’s what happens when you let someone get close who hurts you.  You get cold and hard. I haven't got time for people who are going to use me for comfort when they need it, but vanish when  I need help. I've been through that already back in May, and let it happen again. Its my time now. No more abuse, and no more hurt.”

2 - “Beware of the dark man.”

3 - “It seems like I'm still not allowed to be happy.”

And now, the continuation.

I’ve just been looking back over the past year. I was hoping I could look back at then, and look at now and say that everything was completely different. Guess again.

Regarding the first point, I know that I’ve change a little. Indeed, I do look different, and yes, I did indeed day that I wasn’t going to get hurt anymore. I really wish I hadn’t said it quite the way I did. Let me explain.

I haven’t been hurt again, because I haven’t let myself get close to anyone. Whenever I’ve been in the situation where I may have been getting close, I’ve sabotaged it completely, either by accident or design.

I think in some ways I have grown a lot colder than I used to be. I’m sometimes reluctant to help people, and sometimes I can be very short and down right grim towards them. I’ve cut some people out of my life and others I’ve shown sheer contempt.

On the other side, if you get past the layer of ice, somehow, and get through the layers and layers of this disguise that I wear you tend to find the person that will still be willing to help a friend in dire need, and I’ve also started opening up to real people more. There’s a select four or five who I’ve become almost dependent on sometimes because of they’re the only ones I really trust to share my real feelings with. You know who I am, and I thank you.

The second point I’ve made is of “The Dark Man”. There are two possibilities of who The Dark Man is, and for reasons I won’t go into right here, right now, I’ll only mention the fact that The Dark Man may be me, and it’s already too late to beware of him. If it’s truly me, as illustrated by David Traynor, then I’ve got to work hard to find a way to fix myself.

The final bit I mentioned, “It seems like I'm still not allowed to be happy.” Well, some things really do never change.

So. Last night was the official celebration of my birthday. It was a fantastic night as far as I’m aware. I remember patches of it. Brief moments of hilarity and pure inspired genius – most of which was generated by the people around me.

I do feel though, like the original days of “Johnfest” (the name that my birthday parties originally took) are now over. The fact that no one wanted to turn up to the Derby one is a clear indication to that. The guys who came to the one in Congleton were fantastic and looked after me brilliantly, and for that, I’ll always be grateful.

Is far as I know, we went to a few pubs, then the local night club in town. I remember having to speed-straw a jug of some red cocktail as someone popped the coin in there… bastards. There was also a brief encounter with a woman in her early 40’s who wanted to dance with me. It’s a pitty she didn’t find me earlier, as by that point I couldn’t dance for love nor money. The night had a heroes and villains theme. I went as the Tenth Doctor, and Alan as The Master. Coral came as Lara Croft, Evo and Chloe were Freddie and Daphne from Scooby Doo, and we were also joined by Emily, Rob Cliffe, and every so often, Lloydy. All of which I know from cadets. They’re like my new family, and I’m the ultra cool uncle.

Oh yeah, Nick Caswell also dropped by for a swift pint. It was super brilliant to see him too!

The super thing about the whole experience though is that I woke up this morning with no hang over, seriously dodging that bullet.

Spent most of the day alone watching TV and trying to remember the night before, but guess my surprise when I got home, looked on the news like I do every day, and see this;

(Click picture to view the article)

Happy birthday to me. The madness has only just begun…

Libra - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. You spend all of your free time on the Internet as you have no real friends. Your capacity for self pity is outstanding. Chances for employment and monetary gains are non existent. You will die a virgin.

Well, that’s just grim. The fact of the matter is that a lot of this is true. I really didn’t used to be. Lets compare this to a late night note I posted on Facebook the other night because I was too pissed up to operate LiveJournal;

“I'm trashed. Its been a long time since its happened, but I'm here now. Its always been one of those things that I've be conscious about doing, but I think that whilst I'm feeling the way I am, what the hell.
If you want to really know the reason I am the way I am, Its because there's so much going on with me.
Is it really possible to have a mid life crisis at 25?
I don’t understand who I am at the moment. It’s ok, though. I'm ok. All my friends are safe, and by accounts, they're fairly happy, which means I can be happy for all of them.
One of my best friends, Alan, he met a girl tonight, who's absolutely perfect for him, and Its also been a good friend of mines birthday, Chloe.
I was around a lot of younger people today, and what I've realised is that maybe I'm getting on a bit, and maybe I've been shown something tonight that I haven’t thought I'd be able to see for a long time to come, and that’s a time when all of my closest friends are safe, and happy. Ok, So Emma's in crippling pain with her back, but she's got a guy who loves her and a fantastic pooch. Alan’s finally found a girl who likes the things he likes. Chloe and Evo are brilliant, and by all accounts Debbie and Ben have started a new adventure together that will only finish in happiness. Gooders is realising his full potential, and his star is rising, and Ruth is so brilliantly in love with her Dave that I wouldn’t be surprised if before long, there will be wedding bells in the air. As for Jon and Josie, its only a matter of time now, but they're practically married now, anyway. Coral's always grinning, and Emily seems happy enough, so its all good.
I can finally rest now. Everyone’s happy, and everyone’s feeling great. I feel like I can finally have a break now. A real rest, safe in the knowledge that even though I feel like one of the loneliest people around, I've got the best extended family going.

I love you guys. Thank you.”

A few people read this and got back to me saying that I sounded depressed, but when I read it, I’m not seeing that. What I think I was trying to say is that everyone’s getting by, and they’re happy, and I’m honestly and sincerely so chuffed to pieces about that.

The night was to celebrate the birthday of someone I’ve only known for a very short time. Just short of 6 Months. Chloe’s a cadet corporal in the Air Cadets and brilliant. She’s got a wise head on her young shoulders and compliments Alex wonderfully. Chloe shows brilliant promise as a non commissioned officer and I know from experience that if I’ve got a problem, she’s usually got an answer. Girl knows how to party too, showing the good old “Hardcore Partying” virtues I used to be able to show.

I was given a very precise task that night.

- Keep people away from Alan, apart from the one he met.

- Enjoy myself.

- Talk to women.

I managed two of the three, I think, so all in all, not a bad crack at it. I bumped into an old flame of mine too. Anne-Marie. The relationship we had wasn’t long, in fact, it was just one or two dates we went on, and it was a long time ago. She’s just come out of a huge relationship that I think had some issues in it when it came to an end, so I’ve been the good friend and just listened when she needed someone to talk to.

Not sure how healthy it is, me listening and helping with other peoples issues when I have plenty of my own that I just don’t have a clue how to handle.

Anyway, next weeks coming…

Johnfest, my annual birthday drinking binge where I have even more rights as the centre of attention received quite a big setback the other day in the form of the fact that out of all the people in Derby that I invited, only 2 people accepted the invitation, and even one of those guys said he would more than likely not come. 2008’s been a humbling year. The actual Derby event was scrapped and amalgamated with the one back home in Congleton. I’ve invited some people that I hold very, very close to me from Derby, but if they can’t come, I understand, as it’s a bit of a trek.

The main theme of it is “Heroes and Villains’”.

Already coming that I know of, is a Lara Croft, Freddie and Daphne (from Scooby Doo),  Super Girl and either The Joker or The Master.

I’ll be going as The Doctor, complete with Psychic Paper, a Sonic Screwdriver, and a very special Fob watch.

I imagine there’ll be some sort of photographic evidence of the evening going online at some point.

Watch this space.

In other news, I’ve been trained to handle Investment queries at work.

Great. My workloads about to double, but there’ll be no pay rise for me…